Damien Galeone

Every day when I check my blog stats, I am greeted with the world of phrases that people have searched which has sent them to my blog. This world is dark and disturbing. Not my blog, the phrases. Well, both I guess.

In any case, here are the nine most disturbing phrases entered by unsuspecting deviants, who then found themselves on my blog. This has made me think extensively of moving to Brazil or hiring a body-guard named Guido. Or Katja.

9. Morbid Deaths

I know there are 3.2 billion people on the internet at any given moment, so the chances of saying exactly who entered this into a search engine are seemingly impossible. But I will tell you this: It was a member of my family. We have a special ability to bring death and destruction into any situation you can mention. Go ahead, try.

8. Thai Ladyboy Prostitutes

I don’t know who searched this or how this led to my blog (lie), but I like the cut of his/her jib.

7. Fat and Cheese Coming out of My Pores

Oh, testify, my faceless soulmate! For I have said this many times in mornings of suffering and have long sought the other half of myself. Let us meet somewhere for a disgraceful meal of hotdogs stuffed with cheddar and sprinkled with shame flakes.

6. Ways to Torchur your Pet Bird (Sic)

Oh for f*ck’s sake! Try writing your bird a note and showing it to him. In the first place, why would you torture a bird? Further, why would you want to torture a bird that is clearly more intelligent than you? You should ally yourself to it and ask it to write all your future notes. Moron.

5. Young Cross-dresser Oral

OK, at this point I am a little worried. Ladyboy prostitutes are one thing, but parlay that with orally inclined cross-dressers and I become a hub of online debauchery. I assume that I have a profile on an FBI list. So, to satisfy both my cross-dressing and FBI fan bases, I can only say that I love J. Edgar Hoover!

4. Smack My Ass Said the Young Man

Unfortunately, I believe this is a direct quote from spring break in Key West, 1997. Skeletons in the toeing-the-sexual-deviance closet; law suit pending. In other news, Tuesday is Margarita and leather night at my house! The best chaps & vest combo wins a free mustache ride!

3. Do I Have a Predatory Colleague?

When I find out which of my colleagues wrote this I’m going to torture the shit out of them next time I’m in the bushes outside their house….I mean, say, this is strange, huh?

2. Intercourse with Shoe Polisher

This brings up an interesting question: Does this refer to the man who sits in the lobby of a hotel or the buffing kit you get at Tesco? If it’s the man, then had I known these guys were so in demand on the sex scene, I might have considered a career change back in the day. ESL teacher rarely causes anyone’s girdle to lurch.

1. Where Do Girls Pee From?  

OK, in the interests of full disclosure, this was mine. I won’t tell you how I came to enter this, but I do have the internet, so you can figure it out all by yourselves. However, most disturbing (besides the technical graphs and instructional videos) was that it led me to my blog!

So, I challenge you my dear friends, ladyboys, smacked-ass young men, colleagues (both predator and prey), bird-owners and morbid family members, what’s the weirdest search engine entry that gets you to my blog?