Neighbor Betty Calculates
I am undeniably a Cat Guy. These days, the Internet allows us Cat Folks to indulge in a dedicated worship of our furry like companions. And we know this gets on Non-Cat People’s nerves.
That’s fair.
Sometimes I post a cat-related blog or Facebook joke and imagine the eye rolls it will elicit. This doesn’t bother me. It’s the same eye roll I do when you post a melodramatic rant laced with passive aggression, or pictures of your kids putting on socks or every meal you eat.
In any event, you Non-Cat People don’t have to worry today, because this post is about my neighbor Betty.
My neighbor Betty is a bit of an odd ball. And I am not convinced that she wasn’t on drugs the other day when she was chasing some flies and shouting at birds on the balcony. She always makes a scene; all the other neighbors know about her. She only decided to come in when a wasp made its appearance. Her pupils were dilated. Her hair was standing straight up in the air; I mean downright bristling. Then she threw up on my floor. I’m used to Betty’s oddities. She stared at the wall behind me and then did several laps of sprints back and forth in my flat. Back and forth. Back and forth. I sat and watched her. When I finally stood, she ran at me sideways and bit my ankle as she passed. Then she hid in the bathroom for thirty minutes.
I took the opportunity and the quiet time to make us lunch. Betty has an appetite and if she’s not fed promptly at 4 am, 7 am, 9 am, 1 pm, 3 pm, 4 pm, 6 pm, and whenever I open the fridge, a package of ham or a can, she can be quite a pest. So I made us tuna and some meatballs. I laid out her dish.
Betty of course peeked out of the bathroom. Then she came to eat and threw most of the food on the floor. “What the hell is wrong with you, Betty?” I asked. She answered unintelligibly, punishing me for my out-of-line question by shitting on the floor. While staring at me. In the eye. Taunting me.
After I cleaned up her (non) accident, I lounged on the couch to do a little reading. Of course, Betty also wanted to enjoy the book, so she sat down on my chest with her ass in my face and her nose in the book. It was only fair. I asked her to sleep elsewhere, and it took several verbal requests and physical urging before she wandered to a chair and licked herself until she fell asleep on it for about 7 hours. I’ve always admired that about Betty, she can sleep anywhere.
Later I talked to a couple of friends who have both had recent issues with friends and neighbors. My friend’s friend Roger keeps eating her shoes and the garbage. Another friend’s neighbor Charles keeps all the other neighbors up with his constant shouting and also has trouble holding his bladder when he’s left home alone.
Our friends and neighbors are really strange, but they do make life interesting.
