Damien Galeone

During the next debate Biden vomits on the floor and poops in his pants. Hysteria and fear descend upon the scene and the democratic world in general. In the aftermath, a guy in a gray jumpsuit walks through the dangling streamers and the empty chairs up to the stage where he herds the goo into a bucket with his Kennywood and broom. In a hurry to get home to his mother’s famous microwave meatloaf, he leaves the bucket outside, where he forgets about it. Two days of rain ferments the concoction. As all life is but an accident, a lightning strike at midnight sparks a Cambrian Explosion within the bucket. The poop-vomit stirs, yawns, and feeds on other molecules in the bucket with it. In a few days, it grows into a sentient frog-faced creature. Capable at first of only smacking its wide lips and blinking at its surroundings, he sets his sights on food, trapping and engulfing flies, roaches, gnats, and mosquitoes. After a few days of caloric intake, he achieves monosyllabic croaking and burping and simple movement. Out of his amorphous form, he grows first one and then a second leg. A curious mouse falls into the bucket and the frog feeds heartily, growing arms and fingers as a result. In a week he’s able to crawl out of the bucket and move in all directions.

Frog starts doing pushups and squats, eats voraciously and eventually is able to manage polysyllabic communication. In two weeks, he’s able to recite the national anthem and order a burger at Dairy Queen. He can list the continents, Earth’s oceans, and the planets – though he’s a little foggy on Pluto’s deal. By September he can tie a Windsor knot. In October, he has become a fan of rugby and the Cincinnati Bengals. In November 2024, Joe Biden’s Cambrian Bucket Frog is on the presidential ballot. He needs a few telephone books to reach the microphone at the podium, but he does it.

I vote for this Cambrian Bucket Frog over a traitorous asshole who couldn’t locate the truth if it grabbed him by the Ted Cruz.  

Despite our fascination with politicians even before this ridiculous cult began worshipping an orange dildo who rants like an idiot and can’t staple together a sentence, the president him or herself is not that important. While we are tricked into believing that we are voting for a single person, we aren’t. We are voting for humane policy, administration, and responsible, level-headed government. People who think Joe Biden’s age is endangering the US are just wrong. He’s not standing on a wall at Guantanamo. He’s not navigating a nuclear submarine off the North Korean coast. He’s old, but who the fuck cares? He’s not senile. He’s a trustworthy, decent human being who has surrounded himself with other intelligent, informed, experienced operatives who make the best decisions they can. Can you honestly say the same thing about Donald Trump?

No fucking way.

By any estimation, Joe Biden is a better person and candidate than Donald Trump. Trump is a compulsive liar, a bigot and a bully. He lies so often that he lies in the middle of lies and so a ‘sentence’ starts with a lie and ends with a different lie on a different topic. I gave a Trump speech transcript to students once and asked them to locate main points and rewrite it into something coherent. Impossible. I might as well have asked them to decipher a wedge salad – which would have at least served a purpose. Trump is a traitor. He attempted a full-on coup because his ego couldn’t take losing. He bullies our allies and he’s in league with global dictators because that’s what he wants to be. Is it not telling at all that the world’s shittiest people want Trump to win? Donald Trump is a chickenhawk – an absolute coward. He mocks those around him and then screams ‘unfair!’ when someone mocks him. He is not fit to lick the boots of Joe Biden’s Cambrian Bucket Frog.  

If we are electing a party and its policies and not a person, please remember that in the last ten years the republicans have shown themselves lacking the intelligence, integrity, and spinal structure to run a taco shop in Waco let alone the government. A party of hypocrites, whose motto ‘rules for me and rules for thee’ reigns clear in their dogma. They thrive on sewing confusion and causing hysteria because that’s what they do best – win at a scorched earth and then forget what governing is. Shitbags.  

Joe Biden, any democrat, and their Cambrian offspring animals are far better choices than Donald Trump – or any republican, who long-ago sold-out country for party.

So, come November, I’ll vote Biden, Biden’s Cambrian Bucket Frog, Kamala Harris’s Cambrian Birdbath Pterodactyl, or Gavin Newsom’s Cambrian Whirlpool Dolphin over the far less evolved Donald Trump.

#bidenscambrianbucketfrog24