Damien Galeone

I don’t know if you have noticed, but the world’s in a pretty ugly place at the moment. Yes, I know that 1000 years ago you could die from a hangnail. Yes, I know that 600 years ago you could get strung up in France for having red hair. Yes, I know that if you were a woman 400 years ago in New England who had an eerie skill like the ability to do math, you would be accused of being a witch and crushed under some rocks. And yes, I realize that fifty years ago people had to listen to disco music on a daily basis.

I get it, the world has always been a bad place.

Disco music.

Shudder.

But if you’re a normal Schmoe it’s hard to feel optimistic these days. See, much of the decisions made on the planet are being made by assholes. Assholes. And, further, it seems that a great deal of the motivation for making the decisions they’re making is to be an asshole. This doesn’t really jibe with my whole life philosophy of ‘please don’t be an asshole’. Or, at least, don’t be an asshole to others.

Oh, I’ve been an asshole. Epically. And I’ve even been an asshole just to be an asshole. But when I was finished being an asshole, thousands of people weren’t out of a job because I was an asshole, whole countries weren’t less safe because I was an asshole, the sovereignty of peaceful neighbors wasn’t in question because I felt the unquenchable need to assert my assholeitude. My gay friends weren’t in physical danger because I felt like being an asshole. And if you say anything, the assholes that support the assholes say things like ‘Well, if you don’t like it, why don’t you just leave!?’

But I have experience being an asshole. See, was an asshole. Then I stopped being an asshole. Then I felt bad about being an asshole. Really bad. And in the end, I vowed to be an asshole less often because being an asshole is no way to go through life – it eats away at the asshole and those in the proximity of the asshole. If you keep being an asshole, then at the end you are nothing but an asshole. And nobody wants to sit on the bus next to an asshole. Nobody.

The problem is, these days, it seems that the assholes don’t want to stop being assholes because a great deal of people seem to like that they’re being assholes. Well, I’ve been there too. Assholes thrive in group settings. Sort of an asshole groupthink. But the thing is, once the main asshole goes away, and the main asshole always goes away, everyone else realizes that, somehow, over the course of events, they too became an asshole. These people who never really had a beef with anyone, who even had a ‘live and let live’ kind of personality, somehow became an asshole. Where there was once a nice person, there is now an asshole. And it’s all because an asshole got you to think everyone was wronging you and you had every right to be a complete asshole. But it was all the main asshole’s problem. He needed some asshole support and you gave it to him. Now that you’re on your own and have caused problems with your assholeness, that asshole’s nowhere to be found. That’s a tough reckoning. One that calls for brown liquor, aka asshole chowder. And the cycle continues.

With all the troubles and people in desperate need these days and the people in power unwilling to help in any reasonable or compassionate way, you’d think this was a low point on Earth. And it is, or it was. That is, it was before Sunday, when I learned that a 30–90-meter-wide asteroid is hurtling in the general direction of Earth and has a 2% chance of hitting us around Christmas in 2032. Before you point to the 2% with any kind of optimism, I tell you that the biggest asshole on the planet wasn’t supposed to win. Twice. I am buying canned goods.

Let’s go over the facts. There is an asteroid. That asteroid could hit the earth in December 2032. It will hit the Earth (in the unlikely event that it does) at over 38,000 miles per hour – which, in layman’s terms, in very, very fast. And the assholes are in charge? Will the assholes still be in charge when the asteroid comes? Because I could really see these assholes allowing people to get killed because they need to show everyone that they’re assholes. Before the asteroid comes, they’ll say the other side is making it all up. If the asteroid hits, they’ll say it was all the other side’s fault. That is, if there’s anyone to say that to.

So with all the anxiety we have about the current state of the world, we have to add a potential asteroid. And this means there’s a good chance Christmas 2023 is already ruined? Man. Tough terms. But, that’s life on Planet A. And I’d like to say that if you don’t like it, then you can leave it, but that would make me an asshole.