Damien Galeone

I have been staring at the word ‘convergent’ for four minutes, dreaming of where I’d like to permanently implant it into my professor’s body. I drop the papers on my coffee table and stand to stretch my legs. It is 7:14 p.m. I’ve been studying for a final exam in The European Union and Global Trade since 5:25 p.m.

In the last 109 minutes I have sent nine emails, commented of four Facebook posts, cooked and eaten two pork chops and mashed sweet potatoes in a brown sugar sauce (awesome!), made three moves on Chess.com, cleaned my washing machine’s filter and swifted my flat. In this time I have read 2.3 pages of the 70 pages of notes I have to cover tonight.

I have to get out of the house.

10.4 minutes later I am at the local pub. I break out my notes, order a beer and wear the same smug ‘how did I not think of this before’ expression that the Earl of Sandwich wore as he bit into his first BLT.

Rationales made on the walk here: Why not study at the pub? It’ll help me relax, there are no distractions such as the Internet, washing machines and my swifter. Pubs are quiet. What could possibly go wrong?

Below is a time-lined account of how it went wrong.

7:25 p.m. (Beer 1): Relaxation has indeed assisted the study process as my highlighter exacts its orangey revenge over dry terminology. My content is such that I hardly notice soccer on television.

8:01 p.m. (Beer 2): mood is great. The EU and Global Trade as a subject suddenly begins thawing.

8:28 p.m. (Becherovka 1): Keynesian approach claims that ‘it is not possible to reach optimum in economy without governmental interventions.’ Spurs a loud guffaw which in turn prompts the waitress to ask me what was so funny. Those around me have several minutes of enjoyment as I try to translate that line into Czech.

8:43 p.m. (Beer 3): I have achieved a deeper, philosophical understanding of the material. This in turn leads to the theory that the Common Agriculture Policy was designed to provide all Europeans with beets and slivovice.

8:57 p.m. (Becherovka 2): Everything has become perfectly clear. I will move to the Jeseník mountains to study The EU and Global Trade and then become a professor of the subject. I create a 16 week syllabus in my head for my first course, but in the bathroom it is replaced with an episode of The Simpsons.

9:12 p.m. (Beer 4): Review of the subject matter and my ignorance of all of it prompt rejection of my prior philosophical epiphany concerning beets and my plans of professorship. However, these blows are softened by the woman at table 4 making eyes at me.

9:26 p.m.:

Waitress: “ještě jednou?” One more?

Me: (in English) “Well, it would be rude not to!”

Waitress: “Co?” What?

Me: “Ano, prosím.” Yes, please.

Conclusion: She has breached Article 96 of the Cotonou agreement, violating human rights in the form of shutting down a pretty funny quip. I recommend sanctions or a penalty. I decide to withhold future jokes and take 1 Kč off of her tip.

9:51 p.m. (Becherovka the last): I create a song made up of all world trade organizations and commercial policies to the tune of ‘Yellow Submarine.’ Moments later the song becomes pidgin gibberish of scattered letters and policy names.

10:01 p.m.: I put down my notes to write this blog on the woeful decision to drink while studying. Soccer on the television suddenly irritates me.

10:08 p.m.: The girl at table 4 has a sty.

10:12 p.m.: I go home to swift the flat.